Tuesday, April 29, 2008


Now I feel a little bit like Charlie Gordon, but hopefully I will be understood by those who want to understand me. I've become a stranger in a foreign country, although I was a stranger in my own country, too. "He walks amongst us, but he is not one of us." The difference is that now I am not afraid of articulating what I think. I feel I'm mature enough to tell either what is wrong or what is right out there, and I need to tell it because I feel there are more and more bad things and there are less and less good. I hope I find others who will confirm or confute me.

Many years ago I did something what I had never dared to do before. My parents have a small holiday home in the hills, and I used to hike to the neighboring villages when we went there. I knew all the paths very well, and I always walked the same way, but on an autumn day I decided to turn aside from the beaten track. After a while I got to a cliff where a wonderful sight met my eyes: the endless, untouched forest grew red, and green, and yellow-colored. First I didn't dare to approach the edge, but I felt an irresistible desire to fight down my vertigo so I stepped very slowly to the outer rock. I tried to balance, my legs were shaking, I saw the hundreds of meters deepness and the breath-taking landscape as far as the eye could see but I couldn't enjoy it because I was still afraid that I would fall. I have already had many tough battles in my life, but I think that was the toughest of all: to beat my own, instinctive fear. For me it seemed I had been already standing there for hours, then I realized that only a few minutes had passed. I felt ridiculous as I was almost crouching and trembling like an aspen leaf. I made up my mind and let it all go: fear, doubt, and disbelief. I started to trust. Trust in Nature, in Earth, and in Myself. I accepted her superiority and celebrated the idea that I was part of her. I found the Balance, I felt it in my entire body from head to toe so I straightened myself gradually and as I stood there I felt some warm energy flowing through my body which reconciled me and made me feel like I became one with the rock I was standing on. What I saw, and especially how I saw it, was an extraordinary experience, I can't describe it with words. A bit later I sat down on the edge of the cliff, fearless, as if I had sat on a chair - my legs hung above the abyss, the sun was brightly shining, and I spent at least one hour just watching and thinking. Though I didn't realize that time, but since that day I've begun to do things differently. I have a faith to believe, I have a purpose to fulfill, I have a life to share, and I fight every day to make my dreamworld come true. But every time when I get fed up with the human race, I spread my wings, I fly high up to the sky above the clouds, I cleave through the noisy, devastating civilization to the edge of the known world, I land on a mountain peak and just sit watching down the cliff.

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